Can someone tell me why my girls thought it would be a good idea to see if Robbie could walk down the stairs? "We're just playing with him, Mommy," Jessie tells me.

They're five years old. The baby can barely lift his head, much less walk, and they know it. They know they're not supposed to be holding him unless Joe or I or Nathan or *someone* is with them.

Please tell me I didn't do this when Darren was born, when I was their age.

And to top it off, someone keeps calling the house. Hangups, every one of them. There was a slight chuckle, once, but I didn't recognize the voice before whoever it was hung up.

I really don't need this right now, and I'm getting a little pissed about it. Note to self: Caller ID might be a good thing right about now.

...Maybe today is just not my day.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Something Corporate "Punk Rock Princess"

I'll be pissed later. Much later.

When, you know, the contractions stop...

( Absolutely impeccable timing. Just perfect. )

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Train "When I Look to the Sky"

I've been going through old pictures, trying to get the albums together in time before the baby comes. And, knowing me and anything to do with papers or pictures, the office is trashed, but I think it's worth it. I've got to keep myself occupied somehow, when I'm not chasing after the girls.

I found pictures from the little engagement party my brother had for us, right after Joe asked to marry me. It was the first time Nathan and Andy had met--I'm glad they got along so well. It was a good day, a great day, kind of like bringing two halves of my life together.

I should give Andy a call, see what he's up to. He's been quiet lately, which could be a good or a bad thing.

( The trifecta attempts to play nice )

Current Mood: good
Current Music: Switchfoot "This is Your Life"

Of all the random luck...

So he's in Paris. So what. So they're having dinner, and he's not being honest.

And I know it's not good for the baby and I know I really have no reason to get this upset but damn, Nathan's my brother and he doesn't know what he's walking into and I have to do something...

( ...Fuck. )

Current Mood: upset
Current Music: 3 Doors Down "Ticket to Heaven"

Amanda's back and spoiling me and the girls.

God, I missed that girl. Maybe I can talk her into babysitting.

( For once, an unexpected visit that doesn't end bad )

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Train "Drops of Jupiter"

Nathan stopped by, bringing gifts for the girls (and probably checking up on me as well). If the expressions on the girls' faces weren't so adorable, I'd claim he was spoiling them.

I'm really grateful that he's been like an uncle to Jessie and Melody. With Darren in Seattle... I need Nathan here.

And now, time for a nap. It's almost sad, I need more sleep than the girls do.

( Every time he stops by now, he brings them gifts. )

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Train "All American Girl"

I'm in a weird mood today. Part of me is homesick and nostaglic and wondering where the hell time went, because it certainly doesn't seem like nine years since I met Joe and started this crazy ride. I mean, we'll be married for six years in December. Where did the time go?

I watch Jessie and Melody and I can't believe that they're going to be five years old this November. Joe keeps saying how much the two of them look like me, and I have to admit he's right. Of course, it would be nice not to trip over Barbie's Dreamhouse every time I walk into the living room, but it still remains kinda cute.

And then, of course, there's the baby. Just shy of two months from now and we'll have our little boy. We still have to pick a name of course--why would we have done that already, honestly?--and set up the nursery... but I'm looking forward to it. Being able to drink beer and see my feet will be lovely.

On the other hand, I have this great life here, but I do miss the States, Seacouver, home. My family and my old life--my cop life. Maybe someday I can have it back.

*sigh* It seems like a lot of our old friends are getting back in touch again. Maybe Adam (or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days) will stop by... I sent him a postcard to Alaska and he never wrote back, the bastard.

On another note, I should call Nathan. I need him to watch the girls for me.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: 3 Doors Down "Away From the Sun"

From Donna's journal, March 7, 2001

I don't believe I'm going to do this. A year ago, hell, six months ago, I couldn't see myself doing this.

The reality of it all is that I just can't do everything, and something's got to give. I'm living a dream right now, and if I have to sacrifice one dream for another, I'm willing to do it.

Joe's going back to Paris soon, and I have every intention of going with him. Our family will go with him--the girls, our beautiful twins, are four months old now, and we could adjust to the move easy enough. We'll resurrect Le Blues Bar and have Mike run the one here in Seacouver, we'll get a house there, it'll be perfect.

But between my family, the bar, and the police... I can't do it all. Even if we weren't going to Paris, I can't keep up with it. So tomorrow I give my two weeks notice. It's going to be one of the hardest days of my life...

Jessie and Melody are asleep, finally. I'm going to wait up for Joe, tell him my decision. He won't like it, I'm sure, he'll think I'm doing this for him, but he'll let me do it. I have to...

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Train "Something More"

My poor Nathan. My poor, poor Nathan...

I can't believe Will just took off on him. If Will was going to stay around for anyone, it should have been Nathan. And part of me thinks it was my fault, for bringing up the kidnapping, for trying to find what I'm pretty sure happened...

We talked for a while, Nathan and I, and he managed to convince me that he'd be all right, spending the night at his apartment. I offered the guest room, but I guess Nathan didn't want to wake Joe.

I'm worried about him. Really worried. Call it the over-reacting big sister in me.

( And after everything they've been through, this happens )

Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Savage Garden "Gunning Down Romance"

What the fuck. I've lost a friend and it's not sitting well with me. It wasn't supposed to be like this...

I hadn't meant to piss Will off. I just... I had to know why he was taken by the Watchers. That, when he got everyone else to back off on the subject, I wouldn't stand down so quickly. But I slipped into bad cop mode so fast... I backpedaled, hard, towards the end, but it didn't help.

But his story's not making sense. He's got friends in Internal Affairs. And if the Watchers planned to execute him, wouldn't they have taken him out back at dawn and blown his brains out, like they planned to do to Joe? Gotta love tradition... I'm not going to claim that I know everything about the Watchers, but... too many questions are left unanswered. Will might not know the answers exactly, but I'll bet he's got an idea. Hell, maybe he just hasn't admitted the truth to himself.

I called Andy about it. I've never had to confront a friend on a case before, and I wanted the opinion of another cop, a friend who's far from involved in all this. "It'll be what it is, Matthews," he said. "Trust your instincts. It's what you've always done best." Andy then proceeded to tell me dirty jokes until I laughed, but still.

Why does trusting my instincts hurt so much?

And to top it off, I still have no idea how I'm going to tell this to Nathan. I can't bear to see him hurt...

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Train "Hopeless"